Reminding Myself to Breathe

I feel like I’m losing it. My anxiety level has gone through the roof. I don’t know whether it’s the autism journey I’m on, or the motherhood journey…  But I no longer have everything under control, or rather the illusion that control is even an option.

I’ve reached a point that I have to consciously remind myself to breathe. Several times a day, I have to tell myself to –

Breathe...

Because he was denied that service for the second time, so I have to start again.

Because he was up until 2 this morning, and it’s time to get ready for school.

 

Breathe…

Because I know the science behind early intervention, and he’s still not talking.

Because I know that everything I’m doing still isn’t enough.

 

Breathe

Because I have to wash his hair, knowing it will take all of my strength… And his.

Because I skipped that bill last month, and they’re disconnecting at 5.

 

Breathe...

Because it’s cold outside, but he’s afraid to put his shirt on.

Because I JUST CLEANED THAT!

 

Breathe… Just Breathe

So my voice doesn’t start competing with his…

So I don’t take this frustration out on the rest of my family…

 

Breathe

So I can get back to doing what needs to be done.

So I can start that application again, because giving up isn’t an option.

 

Breathe…

So I can put on a smile, because smiling actually helps.

So I can enjoy my family, because that’s what family’s for.

 

Breathe

Because the good days always outnumber the bad… and that means we’re doing alright.

 

 

11 Replies to “Reminding Myself to Breathe”

  1. You are an amazingly strong woman that has inspired me, even though I cannot begin to imagine your day to day challenges! Know you have the support of so many that can either relate or just want to understand!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think that poem should be published (maybe sung). It’s incredibly true, and yet hopeful. My “baby” is 27 and it does get different. At least you become adept at handling, and stronger for it. And early intervention and time are the things that help him broaden his world and abilities, and let you eventually relax a bit. Stay tough. Contact me if you want to talk.

    Liked by 1 person

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