I feel like I’m losing it. My anxiety level has gone through the roof. I don’t know whether it’s the autism journey I’m on, or the motherhood journey…  But I no longer have everything under control, or rather the illusion that control is even an option.

I’ve reached a point that I have to consciously remind myself to breathe. Several times a day, I have to tell myself to –

Breathe...

Because he was denied that service for the second time, so I have to start again.

Because he was up until 2 this morning, and it’s time to get ready for school.

 

Breathe…

Because I know the science behind early intervention, and he’s still not talking.

Because I know that everything I’m doing still isn’t enough.

 

Breathe

Because I have to wash his hair, knowing it will take all of my strength… And his.

Because I skipped that bill last month, and they’re disconnecting at 5.

 

Breathe...

Because it’s cold outside, but he’s afraid to put his shirt on.

Because I JUST CLEANED THAT!

 

Breathe… Just Breathe

So my voice doesn’t start competing with his…

So I don’t take this frustration out on the rest of my family…

 

Breathe

So I can get back to doing what needs to be done.

So I can start that application again, because giving up isn’t an option.

 

Breathe…

So I can put on a smile, because smiling actually helps.

So I can enjoy my family, because that’s what family’s for.

 

Breathe

Because the good days always outnumber the bad… and that means we’re doing alright.

 

 


Not an Autism Mom
Not an Autism Mom

I am a daughter, sister, wife, friend, and MOM. I write about parenting, autism, prematurity, and whatever else comes through these fingertips. Enjoy!

    15 replies to "Reminding Myself to Breathe"

    • lauratownsendkane

      Breathe… because you are needed and he loves you though he may not be able to say it.

      • Not an Autism Mom

        He is my sunshine! (And my star depending on the time.) 😉 Thank you for reading. ❤

    • Kristen Lee

      You are an amazingly strong woman that has inspired me, even though I cannot begin to imagine your day to day challenges! Know you have the support of so many that can either relate or just want to understand!

      • Not an Autism Mom

        Thank you for your kind words Kristen Lee. That means so much. ❤

        • Kristen Lee

          🙂

    • Ashley

      Thank you for the reminder to just breathe. I need to do that too sometimes. Hold on tight, you’ve got this!

      • Not an Autism Mom

        I guess we all need that reminder every once in a while. Thank you for reading. ❤

    • Sherron0

      I think that poem should be published (maybe sung). It’s incredibly true, and yet hopeful. My “baby” is 27 and it does get different. At least you become adept at handling, and stronger for it. And early intervention and time are the things that help him broaden his world and abilities, and let you eventually relax a bit. Stay tough. Contact me if you want to talk.

      • Not an Autism Mom

        As I wrote it, I thought of those poets who perform at little bars… like in the movie, “Love Jones.” Thank you for your comment. ❤

    • muzunguorlik

      You have super son’s! I wish him all the best!

    • vincenza63

      <3 from the bottom of my heart

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTb9GNIxpMk

    • […] is just a tough issue to navigate. And I know some of the feelings she might experience in the months to […]

    • fourjordans

      This is my daily mantra also! Thanks for writing such a visceral account of a typical day. Hang in there and keep breathing 💛

      • Not an Autism Mom

        Thank you for reading. You hang in there, too! ❤

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